This flowed out so well, that I hope it doesn't come across as trite. It's not.

It's been five years. Five long years since I've opened any part of my heart to the curious eyes of strangers and the potential critique that comes along with pouring out the sometimes harsh world in my head and the tender trepidations of my heart.

I don't know where to start or how far to go or how to deep to search. Sometimes the words of my thoughts flow and I'm thrilled with the explosion of something that might actually be of merit. Other times, the emptiness in my head is deafening. Or maybe it's fear. Or confusion. Or cluelessness.

I'm leaning towards cluelessness. Fear, anger, love, desire, happiness - they're all here in my heart and my head too, if course. But mostly I feel lost. Clueless. My whole life and my whole being feels fulfilled in one incredibly tragic and sad way; I am unfulfilled potential. It's the only thing I've accomplished. Here, in my mid 30s, I can say that yes, I am and I remain unfulfilled potential.

Not that this is a goal or a plan. Quite the opposite. My favorite quotes are about living life to the fullest, being brave, seizing the moment and the like. And my greatest challenge seems to be to be able to heed my own favorite bumper stickers.

Writing is therapeutic. I know this. It's been a neglected...........duty? Past time? Part of me? Dual enjoyment and a major part of ME working on myself? Perhaps all of those things.

I've been down and out for so long. Since I was 15. Or maybe 8. Or maybe forever. OR maybe since I stopped blogging last time. Or maybe since every time I allow myself to get lost in someone or in some thing. Or in the dredges of anxiety and depression and all those low, lonely places that they take you. Lead you and leave you.

No one can save me but myself. I wish I knew what to grab onto to get pulled out of where I am; which may very well be so deep inside myself that even I can't find a way a out.

For now, I think the only thing I have to hold onto is myself. And I'm not really all that steady. The lost leading the lost.

It's a good thing I have those bumper stickers to guide me.